VO: The nation's favorite celebrities... Wow.

VO: ..paired up with an expert... Ow.

Ow.

Get it sorted.

VO: ..and a classic car.

She's beautiful.

Ooh, we're steaming.

VO: Their mission - to scour Britain for antiques.

Is that antique?

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

VO: The aim, to make the biggest profit at auction.

VO: But it's no easy ride...

There's a dog chasing us!

VO: Who will find a hidden gem?

I love that.

VO: Who will take the biggest risk?

Ah!

VO: Will anybody follow expert advice?

Yeah, uh, OK, I know what that means.

VO: There will be worthy winners...

Yes!

VO: ..and valiant losers.

Disaster.

VO: Put your pedal to the metal.

Let's go shopping.

Woo-hoo!

VO: This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

VO: Yeah, baby!

VO: Today's treasure seekers are better known for their velvet voices than their famous faces.

I do like to see a thatched cottage near a cricket ground in a Cotswold village.

Call me old-fashioned.

VO: Those are the dulcet tones of Radio 2's Tim Smith, accompanied by co-star Janey Lee Grace.

JANEY: Imagine this in 1960.

I could have been wearing Mary Quant kit.

VO: Our bevy of broadcasters are more usually heard swapping factoids every weekday afternoon on Steve Wright's Big Show.

And they're clearly enjoying the countryside.

And the car.

That's a drone shot.

Could be driving a 1960 MGA.

TIM: Serious MG. JANEY: Serious MG. With a G. With a G, yeah.

VO: Exactly.

Tim's spent his whole career at the radio microphone, majoring in music and sport.

While Janey started out as a backing singer for Wham, before becoming a pop star in her own right.

Why would there be no wing mirrors?

I understand that there might not be seatbelts, although that's weird too.

In olden days, you'd have still had to have seen behind you, wouldn't you?

VO: Yeah, they're right.

Their racy red motor dates from a time when seatbelts were not mandatory.

Same era as today's experts.

Cheeky.

It's a beautiful day for it.

It is glorious.

We're in the Vale of Evesham.

This is one of the great fruit baskets of England.

DAVID: In Worcestershire.

JAMES: Worcestershire, yeah.

VO: Auctioneer James Braxton and dealer David Harper, in their 1962 Austin Healey, are big fans of The Big Show.

It's gonna be funny putting the faces to the voices cuz the voices are very distinctive.

JAMES: Yeah.

DAVID: And lovely voices.

I'm expecting Tim to be slightly wiry, meerkat-y, sort of popping up.

He sounds very chirpy on radio.

DAVID: He does.

He does.

Janey I know of because I was a big Wham fan.

Course.

George Michael.

George Michael.

VO: They are enthusiastic!

Go for it you lot.

£400 each to spend, remember.

JANEY: Are they gonna, like, actually encourage us as to, "oh, you should buy that cuz it's worth a lot of money."

Cuz I...I genuinely won't have a clue.

You're looking at me as if I...I know anything about antiques.

I thought you were a king of Ming vases.

TIM: Anyway, let's go and meet our experts.

JANEY: Let's meet them.

I like the old...the bonnet.

VO: Don't mention the shorts though.

DAVID: Hello!

JAMES: Hello.

TIM: Good morning.

JANEY: You have to try and get out elegantly.

You're doing it beautifully.

It's nice to meet you.

You look very good in it, Tim.

James.

TIM: Do I look the part?

JAMES: James.

Hello Janey.

Hi, how are you?

TIM: Nice to meet you.

DAVID: Great to meet you.

JAMES: Are you both interested in antiques?

Very interested in antiques.

Just don't know anything about them.

You're with the right teams!

Cuz neither do we!

Janey, you jump in.

Yeah.

we're away.

We're away?

JAMES: You drive.

TIM: May I?

JAMES: Yeah, course you can.

TIM: Thank you.

TIM: Good luck.

JANEY: See you later!

TIM: I'll take the handbrake off first.

VO: Always helps.

JANEY: Got there.

DAVID: Here we go.

JANEY: So exciting!

VO: After kicking off in Evesham, our 1960s powered pairings will eventually reach journey's end at Bourne End, in Bucks.

But first the aforementioned Vale.

TIM: Well we did Celebrity Ready Steady Cook a few years back.

Yeah.

And that was great fun.

I think Janey does harbor some small degree of resentment over the fact that I won.

You won!

TIM: And I think she's looking for some kind of retribution... OK. ..and revenge on this road trip.

JAMES: I think the job of this show would be to reinstate your position as number one.

TIM: I think so.

VO: Celeb top dog!

DAVID: So that must have been a long time ago?

JANEY: 12 years ago, something like that.

For some reason, which I don't know why, his food was better than mine.

Ah!

But, yeah, this is my chance for some revenge.

Well, revenge is a dish served cold.

Best... No, what is it?

What is it?

Revenge is a... Sweet, isn't it?

Isn't it?

VO: I think it'll be served at whatever temperature the victor desires.

One of the big thing that we joke about on Steve's show is my, um, frugality, shall we say.

And I'm very careful with money.

I'm not tight.

(JAMES LAUGHS) But I'm careful, so I'm always looking for a bargain.

JAMES: Yeah, yeah.

But I am confident we will find some top bargains and make some money.

VO: Sounds like we have the makings of a mean team, by the river Avon.

JAMES: Well done.

VO: At Evesham.

With that £400.

I don't know, I think my limbs have grown.

Are you OK there, James?

I feel like sort of human origami.

VO: Not a crease in sight, look.

Let's go to work.

Oh, wow, look at this.

This looks fun, doesn't it?

Oh, this does look fun, yeah.

ANDY: Ah, hello!

ANDY: Hi.

TIM: I'm Tim.

I'm Andy.

Andy.

James.

James.

Nice to meet you.

VO: Yep.

20 dealers represented in here, on two floors.

Model this... Oh, that's... Now, you know what this is, don't you?

This is Arthur Daley.

That's very good.

A little dodgy, maybe.

Perfect for antique...

Perfect for antique hunting.

Perfect.

VO: And talking of pulling a stroke.

TIM: A golf club.

JAMES: Wow.

TIM: Now, look at that.

That is a two iron.

JAMES: Two iron.

Almost... TIM: Which, as you know... ..impossible to play, isn't it?

TIM: Yeah.

JAMES: Two iron.

TIM: Not quite as difficult as a one iron.

You see, I'm...I'm a fairway wood.

Number seven.

It's all you need to carry.

And a putter, and a chipper.

TIM: That is, by the looks of it, made by somebody called Josh Taylor.

Richmond Park.

These ones that could lift a ball from a cart rut are sort of very...very sought after, aren't they?

TIM: A mashy nibblick.

VO: Enough club house banter, you two.

What will his chum be on the lookout for?

JANEY: One of the few things I possess that is a proper antique... Yeah.

..is a really unusual woodcarving.

Yeah.

Um, of the Lord's supper.

Oh, right?

So you've got Jesus there and the food, and you've got the 12 disciples.

That's quite interesting.

Really quite unusual.

So I like that kind of stuff.

And then I like funky things.

Oh, right.

I'm really into outsider art.

You might not even know what that is, but... No.

Well, tell me.

JANEY: Well, it's art by...

Done by untrained artists.

Some of it's... Looks like they're untrained.

And some of it looks incredible.

Well, I'm an outsider artist, then.

Cuz I'm untrained and I sell my art.

Well there you go.

VO: Crikey.

I'm sure that £400 would buy a whole lot of your art.

VO: And Janey's first shop is in the hamlet of Blackminster, VO: ..at Manormonkeys.

That's it.

Quick as a flash.

Get out elegantly.

Beautifully done.

VO: Ready, steady...revenge!

DAVID: Right so this is all over to you.

JANEY: Wonderful.

VO: 1,300 square feet in here, don't you know?

I'm a bit of a sucker for hearts.

Aww, you're a romantic, aren't you?

VO: And what else do you lurve, Janey?

JANEY: So, if you check this out.

Oh, look at that.

Now, you see...this is... Should be right up my street.

JANEY: I'm not sure...

The face doesn't look quite kind enough.

19th century antique figure.

She's a kneeling nun.

DAVID: Well, what is she made from?

DAVID: You've got a wooden base there.

JANEY: Yeah.

DAVID: Then you can see her thumbs are broken.

DAVID: Can you see that metal... JANEY: Yeah.

DAVID: ..frame on the inside.

JANEY: Yeah.

That's effectively a skeleton called an armature.

And then looking at it, it's been painted after setting or firing.

Yeah.

DAVID: I mean, she is so not up my street, it's unbelievable.

But...it's the face.

She doesn't look very kind.

I'm sure she's lovely.

No offence, nun, but it's a no.

No offence.

VO: Nun taken.

Bless you.

Right, OK. You show me something that you like.

Yeah.

I'm gonna show you something that I like.

DAVID: And it might be a bit odd.

JANEY: I love it, actually.

DAVID: Yeah.

It looks like a...

It's a dog.

JANEY: That, is it...is it a stand for a teapot?

DAVID: It is.

It's called a trivet.

JANEY: Yeah.

DAVID: What's very unusual about that is...

The dog.

DAVID: The dog.

JANEY: Yeah.

Do you know who the dog is?

I must admit, I don't.

I think it's Bonzo, a cartoon character from the 1920s and 30s.

JANEY: Somebody very funky would have owned this then.

Does he not make you smile?

He does.

And he's probably really really happy sitting by the fire.

DAVID: 1918, the end of the First World War.

I mean, that was four years of absolute complete torment and hell.

The 1920s, everything changes.

People wanna live their lives.

In comes art deco, in comes the bright colors, the dancing, the flapper girls and all of that.

And cartoon characters.

And Bonzo was absolutely bang on for that period.

So it's the beginning of mass merchandising.

Yeah.

VO: Created by comic strip artist George Studdy in 1922.

DAVID: Where do you think the market would be for that?

Well, anyone who's got a cute dog would probably love it.

DAVID: Yeah.

JANEY: And a fireplace.

Yeah.

That's quite a lot of people, right?

Drinks tea.

VO: Bingo!

Priced at £35.

Let's talk to proprietor Ian.

Bonzo dog.

It is Bonzo.

Don't you think it's quite strange to put it on a traditional trivet?

IAN: Well it is, but to be perfectly honest, if that was a normal trivet, I wouldn't have bought that.

I wouldn't.

IAN: But I looked at it and I said to the lady "how much is your trivet?"

And she said... "the trivet is"...

I can't remember how much it was, I'm not gonna tell you.

He was gonna give it away there!

VO: Yeah, whoops!

DAVID: I think Bonzo was the British answer to Mickey Mouse for the 20s.

What about Felix the Cat?

Yes, yes.

Same period.

DAVID: OK Janey, I know what I wanna do.

What do you wanna do?

Well, I'd buy it.

I'd buy it.

Shall we buy it?

Let's buy it.

Ian, thank you very much.

We'll have that.

JANEY: Deal.

DAVID: Sold.

IAN: Thank you very much.

DAVID: Gonzo the Dog!

VO: So, with Bonzo in the bag, or the kennel, how's Tim faring in Evesham?

TIM: It's going pretty good so far.

Yeah, I like James very much.

He seems to know his stuff.

There are a couple of things I quite liked downstairs, but he, I guess quite sensibly, led me away from them.

VO: Sounds wise!

JAMES: This is quite nice.

So we've got... TIM: It's a card table.

A card table.

This is Edwardian.

Nicely gilt-tooled, mahogany, and then with this rather nice satin wood banding around the edge of this.

This is for bridge, isn't it?

Bridge, gin and tonics.

Packs of cards in there, or your notepads, and rather nice.

I could play poker on that though, couldn't I?

Yeah, of course you can.

JAMES: But you couldn't get an enormous amount of players round it.

Do you play cards?

Occasionally, yes.

They call this sort of Sheraton Revival.

Sheraton was a furniture designer in the last part of the 18th century, who did a lot of this satin wood inlay.

JAMES: Got incredible weight.

VO: Braxton Bottom, they call it!

TIM: I quite like that.

JAMES: What's the price on it?

£65.

JAMES: I hear you're a thrifty, careful man.

TIM: Thrifty?

Now you see, you're being very unfair.

Thrifty is not the word.

Careful, careful with money.

JAMES: Prudent.

The word "tight" has been occasionally mentioned.

Bandied around!

Grossly unfair, grossly unfair.

What do you reckon, 25?

VO: Golly!

As clenched as a clam.

JAMES: I think we've found something, Andy.

Ooh.

Right.

Card table.

JAMES: Card table, very clever of you.

ANDY: I saw one once before on TV.

(JAMES LAUGHS HEARTILY) I would see this hovering around 35 to 40, 45, something like that, at auction.

Could you go to £25?

Oh Tim, that's quite vicious.

What could it be, Andy?

Well, I was really thinking sort of 35.

What if we say £30 and split the difference?

Go on.

TIM: Yeah?

ANDY: Yeah.

What do you reckon?

Well I think that's an excellent deal.

TIM: Thank you, Andy.

Thank you very much.

Careful's my middle name.

VO: And so, after a rare glimpse of the Smith wallet... TIM: Thank you Andy, bye bye!

JAMES: Thank you, Andy.

VO: ..they take their leave.

How come I'm walking backwards?

Because head porter walks forward.

TIM: Ah, OK. JAMES: There we are, tight as a drum.

VO: Prudent please!

Is that table alright?

No movement there.

VO: Now, wither Janey?

In Blackminster!

Pooch price agreed at £35.

What's next?

My eyes are drawn to these candlesticks.

DAVID: OK, OK. JANEY: I mean, aren't they funky.

Not quite as heavy as I thought it would be.

DAVID: What do you think they're made from?

I'm gonna really embarrass myself now, aren't I?

Read the ticket.

That could be helpful.

Read the ticket.

Yes, always a good idea.

"19th century folk art candlesticks."

OK.

Folk art.

It says art, folk art, that's why I like them, of course it is.

Exactly.

Outsider.

Definitely not bronze.

Although there is no doubt about it, they're pretending to be a patternated bronze, which is something the Japanese made an awful lot of in the 19th century.

And the crane, I think in Japanese folklore or culture, represents long life.

JANEY: And the fact that there's a pair.

DAVID: Pair's very important.

What is that it has in its beak?

It looks like a frying pan.

VO: Now, that would be outsider!

DAVID: Look at the way these things are put together.

This is screaming outsider art.

Yeah, it is.

Because they've got that funk element.

Yeah.

But they're so well done.

Look at the little pegs holding the wings together.

You've got a double wing effect.

See, you notice details that I would never have even thought of.

DAVID: They look very naive, yet they're put together so cleverly.

Very very well spotted.

Shall we buy them?

Well I think it's all down to price now.

It is, cuz they're... 135 quid.

I think in auction, because they're so unusual, the auctioneer would probably put 80 to 120 on them.

Oh, do you?

So I think we need to negotiate quite hard.

JANEY: Yeah.

They could make 50 quid.

That's a chancy thing.

Or they could make 200 quid.

The cranes could fly.

The cranes could fly.

Do cranes fly?

VO: Time to get Ian back, I think.

I've never seen anything like these.

I haven't.

Crudely but beautifully put together, aren't they?

They are.

Ian, to me, they're 80, 120 in auction.

IAN: I would agree.

We didn't negotiate the Bonzo.

No, I know you didn't.

I did notice.

No point negotiating that.

I was hoping you wouldn't on this one, but there you go.

IAN: How about if I shouted you £60?

VO: Wow!

That leaves you a bit of a turn-in, doesn't it?

IAN: Is that alright?

JANEY: It's a deal.

DAVID: Happy?

JANEY: Yeah.

Oh well, I think that's absolutely fantastic.

Thank you, appreciate it.

JANEY: That's a deal.

Cool!

VO: Very cool.

DAVID: I'm gonna give you £100, because I owe you 35 for Bonzo.

You do.

And we owe you 60 for those.

I have a creature theme going on, do you realize?

You have!

VO: Yep, quite a menagerie.

Now back on the road, you two.

VO: While we catch up with their rivals and friends.

Have you always been part of the show, you and Janey?

Pretty much, yeah.

I've known Janey for, ooh, probably 25 years.

1999 I think, 2000, Steve started the show on Radio 2, and here we are all these years later.

And we get on great, fairly competitive, and we're very different characters.

Yeah.

We're never short of something to talk about.

And Steve in the middle, marshaling the whole thing?

TIM: Trying to, yes.

JAMES: Yeah.

VO: Tim and James are taking a bit of a detour climbing high into the Cotswolds towards Dover's Hill, close to the Gloucestershire town of Chipping Campden.

TIM: That really is a fantastic view.

So that's the Vale of Evesham, yeah?

VO: The hill takes its name from the founder, in the early 17th century, of the Cotswolds' very own Olimpick Games.

What are they doing?

What is that?

VO: Good question.

Let's consult Graham Greenall of the Robert Dover Society.

Ouch!

That, gentlemen, is called shin kicking.

Shin kicking?

GRAHAM: It started off as wrestling, but Cotswold boys get a little bit enthusiastic, and the trips got a bit more and more violent, until it developed into what you've just seen.

Well they're only practicing, but it's still got rules.

But you kick somebody's shins and you trip them, and the first one to get somebody over twice wins that particular part of it.

That sounds very painful.

GRAHAM: Well, it used to be.

18th, 19th century, it was very violent.

But now, we're sort of allowed straw padding these days.

We don't allow steel toe caps anymore, so it's more civilized.

VO: Shin kicking, along with other, less violent pursuits like sledgehammer throwing and poetry, has taken place at Whitsuntide on Dover's Hill for over 400 years, notwithstanding a few interruptions.

They started as a rustic version from the classical olympics, and this book is the Annalia Dubrensia.

It's a collection of poems about the Olimpicks.

JAMES: And have you got any plates in there?

Any illustrations?

GRAHAM: There is a frontispiece.

You've actually got shin kicking, as you can see.

Hare coursing, racing.

And there's a man throwing a hammer.

So it's all there.

And we spell our Olimpick with a K on the end.

Yeah, I noticed that.

Where did that come from?

GRAHAM: Well I suspect it's an affectation, that somebody decided it looked good.

VO: The Games were halted by the Civil War, but then continued on this spot until 1852, when local landowners, using the enclosure process, grabbed much of the hill for themselves.

But, thanks to the National Trust, the middle of the 20th century saw the revelry return.

TIM: Was it only men that took part in those days?

No, cuz if you look there... Oh, you've got pictures of ladies.

TIM: What are they doing?

They're dancing, are they?

It's nice, cuz you've got somebody playing something... almost like a flute.

And they appear to be dancing.

Oh yes.

And that would have been competitive, do you think?

I, well, all sorts of things were competed for.

Wow.

A bit like a 17th century Strictly Come Dancing.

Yeah.

VO: Now, time for our sporty celeb to join in.

That's pretty good.

VO: Just remember Tim, it's not nearly as dangerous as cheese rolling.

My goodness.

VO: Uh-oh.

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Now, can I introduce you, Tim.

Miller, 2017 world champion.

Miller, nice to meet you.

How are you?

VO: (LAUGHS) He's a small lad, go gentle with him.

MILLER: I'll try to.

JAMES: Well done.

And I think you have an appointment with the stickler.

Good luck, Tim.

Let's go.

VO: The stickler, as you might have imagined, is the referee.

How dangerous is it on a scale from 1 to 10?

VO: 12.

Well, it kind of depends how hard you go at it.

Any sport's dangerous if you go hard.

Do you think it's a slight mismatch, me taking on the current world champion?

Mm, slightly.

But, y'know, if you persevere and believe in yourself, I'm sure you'll be fine.

VO: Believe that, you'll believe anything.

STICKLER: Right.

Gentlemen, bind.

Grip the shoulders.

Nice and tight.

Miller, ready?

Yeah.

Tim, ready?

TIM: Ready.

STICKLER: Kick.

Go on, Tim.

Have him.

Have him!

TIM: I've got him.

I've got him.

STICKLER: There we go.

VO: Ah well.

Best of three, eh?

VO: (LAUGHS) Gentlemen bind.

Kick.

JAMES: Don't worry about the size of the fella.

Aww.

Valiant, valiant.

What a bout.

VO: A plucky effort from the challenger.

Tim.

Tim, congratulations.

You did well.

You alright, you're hobbling?

Shall I just lead you?

Is there a classic ambulance over there?

There is.

Only another half mile.

I don't think I can drive the MG. VO: Yeah, maybe stick to dwile flonking next time.

Safer.

VO: And now, what of our other radio star?

Also an author of books about healthy living.

JANEY: I think all this kind of area, the Cotswolds... DAVID: Yeah.

..immediately you do think of amazing beautiful houses and fields and antiques.

You do.

So I think dinner tonight, it's lovely weather.

What would you have for dinner, something healthy?

Yeah.

Well, yes but don't forget I'm imperfectly natural.

Oh, OK.

So it doesn't have to be too healthy.

You could do me a really nice, um, halloumi kebab.

Oh!

You know, little bits of halloumi... Yeah.

..little bits of veg.

On a stick.

Job done.

Gosh, that's so London... JANEY: Yeah, that'd be good.

..isn't it?

JANEY: Is it?

DAVID: Yes.

Is it not very Yorkshire?

I don't know anyone in Yorkshire who's even heard of a halloumi kebab.

VO: I'm sure Geoffrey Boycott adores them!

But this is the Cotswolds.

And Janey and David are about to rummage in the Gloucestershire town of Stow-on-the-Wold.

Where the winds blow cold, sayeth the old song.

DAVID: How's that?

JANEY: Lovely.

DAVID: Nice.

VO: Although that clearly doesn't apply to today.

So come on then, you.

Show me what you like.

Hone in on anything at all.

OK. Well, I like that because I'm a bit of a magpie and it's just very shiny.

I've got absolutely no idea whether it's worth anything.

OK.

But how funky is it?

DAVID: Do you know what it is?

Uh...a footstool?

Sort of, yeah.

A footman, it's called.

Oh, OK.

It would be something to put next to or near the fire.

There's also a gong over here in one of the cabinets.

Show me a gong.

JANEY: Can we look at that?

DAVID: Yeah.

It's only very small but it's quite sweet.

JANEY: How cool is that gong, you see?

I could use that to gong my kids into dinner.

But also, have you ever had an actual gong bath?

A what bath?

Now you think I'm seriously woo woo, right?

Yes.

JANEY: You don't get wet.

You lie there and someone plays huge gongs.

And the sound and the reverberation of the sound, it's really healing.

It's absolutely amazing.

Someone bongs a gong in your ear and that's meant to be good for you?

Well, not in your ear.

Honestly.

DAVID: Why particularly that gong, apart from the...?

Well, it's just...

I mean, it's a lovely shape, don't you think?

DAVID: Yeah.

JANEY: It's just... DAVID: OK. And let me get it out and tell me what you think of the shape.

What does it remind you of?

Look at the feet.

It's a horse's hoof.

Oh, I see.

Oh, of course!

And look at the decoration.

It's someone on a horse, jumping over a gate.

JANEY: Of course it is.

And then the handle is a stirrup.

It is lovely.

It is quite interesting, I must say.

VO: Silver plate.

Price?

£58.

It's from, I would say, the late Victorian period and it's someone interested in country pursuits, particularly horse riding.

And if they're gonna get gonged for dinner... Yeah.

..you might as well get gonged for dinner... JANEY: In style.

DAVID: Yes!

JANEY: Yeah.

DAVID: With a horsey related... JANEY: Yeah.

..dinner gong.

Shall we see what it sounds like?

OK, hold it.

Ready.

Think of a gong bath.

I'll think of a gong bath.

DAVID: Close your eyes.

VO: Tinny.

I think that's beautiful.

I'm amazed, what a fabulous sound that makes.

VO: That's gong on the list.

Ha!

What else might tempt our two, we wonder?

DAVID: Do you love a bit of asparagus?

I love a bit of asparagus!

JANEY: It's so unusual, don't you think?

DAVID: It's very posh.

Because... Asparagus has always been quite expensive, JANEY: Yeah.

DAVID: ..hasn't it?

Absolutely, yeah.

So if you're gonna...

It's seasonal, of course.

I mean, you can't have it all year round.

No.

Can you still not get it all year round?

I suppose you possibly can but you really want it locally sourced, don't you?

I mean, we all love a strawberry, right?

But actually we are meant to eat, you know, strawberries in the summertime.

We're not really meant to have them all year round.

It's just that we do.

VO: Spot on, Janey.

Do you know what it's called, the material?

No.

No, what is it?

It's called majolica.

JANEY: Majolica.

DAVID: Majolica.

You learn a new word every day.

DAVID: So it's all this high glaze pottery that's very bright and very garish.

And it's one of those things that people love or they hate.

I'm gonna write all that down cuz that's a factoid.

It is a factoid.

But need that, definitely.

I've just made it up though.

Does that matter?

VO: David!

Ah, those silver shoes again.

DAVID: What have we got?

JANEY: I think he's got such a cute face.

DAVID: He has a cute face, doesn't he?

Really cute face.

That is so... Again, it fits with my outsider art thing.

DAVID: Tribal art is very difficult to attribute.

JANEY: Yeah.

DAVID: And very difficult to date.

Carved out of, it looks like ebony but it's not.

Cuz look, it's stained ebony.

But on the base it's very pale.

So it's an African hardwood.

And I think he feels more west Africa, kind of Nigeria as opposed to southern Africa.

JANEY: Yeah.

DAVID: But your outsider art... JANEY: Yeah, it's got such a naivete, hasn't it?

Yeah.

I dunno, it's just really cute.

It's the kind of thing that just cheers you up.

He really does, I mean...

Cheers you up.

Come on, look at that face.

DAVID: Look at the eyes, he's got such character, hasn't he?

JANEY: And a very trendy hairstyle.

But you're gonna tell me that he's not really...gonna bring any money in, aren't you?

DAVID: He's £28.

JANEY: Oh, is that all he is?

It's absolutely nothing.

I think he's probably 1960s.

Do you?

I do.

60s, 70s.

JANEY: I think we should buy him because it's not that much money and he might go for a bit more.

I think he... Cuz I think if somebody likes him the way I do.

You can't help but fall in love with him, can you?

JANEY: Exactly.

He's a charmer.

VO: Time to talk to Karen.

KAREN: Hello.

JANEY: Hi.

DAVID: Hello.

KAREN: Hiya.

DAVID: Hello.

So... Found some things?

We've found two things.

First of all, the African sculpture.

KAREN: Yes.

DAVID: £28.

So we want him.

So we just...that's it.

We're gonna have him.

JANEY: And we love your gong.

You've got this priced at 58.

So we wondered if you'd do us a bit of a deal on that?

DAVID: Janey is a trained negotiator.

KAREN: Smashing.

DAVID: Yeah.

So she knows exactly what she's doing.

How about if we made it the £50?

DAVID: I think 40-60 in auction as an estimate.

I'd happily have it in my house for £50.

DAVID: That's a rubbish nego... (LAUGHS) Well, that's in between your estimate of 40-60, you said.

Very good, Karen.

You're good.

You're better than we are.

Thank you very much, we'll have it at 50.

Thank you very much.

I'm taking this one on a trip next time.

VO: Bad luck, Karen.

So, £78 in total.

And they already have quite a hoard.

DAVID: This is the perfect antique dealing car, isn't it?

JANEY: It really is.

DAVID: It's got a boot and everything.

JANEY: And everything.

DAVID: Just don't buy anything bigger than a gong.

VO: Now, who's for a halloumi kebab?

DAVID: Now, it does look like I'm actually taking you on safari here.

It certainly does, doesn't it?

Doesn't it?

I mean, this is so Africa, it's unbelievable.

And in a convertible car, you can touch nature.

What could be better?

Gorgeous.

VO: Sleep tight, nature lovers.

VO: Next day the MG has undergone a subtle alteration.

TIM: I've got no rearview unfortunately because the rearview mirror is obscured by...

Yes.

..something rather curious.

(SHE LAUGHS) What the heck is that?

That's hilarious.

We're really really pleased with this.

I wonder whether it's something that I'll be able to stand my four items on.

You've got four already?

They're very ickle.

Compared to that!

VO: Yes, they had very different shopping experiences yesterday.

With Janey splashing out on an African carving, a trivet, candlesticks, then a gong.

VO: Leaving her with over half of her £400 still to spend.

While Tim acquired only an Edwardian card table and some very bruised shins.

Agh.

JAMES: Aww.

VO: Which means that he has £370 left in his wallet.

I look forward to buying a few bits and pieces today cuz we've got quite a lot of catching up to do.

VO: Not half!

And be sure that that load doesn't settle in transit.

DAVID: Oh my.

What on earth is that monstrosity on the back of the MG?

TIM: Hello!

DAVID: Morning!

DAVID: Good morning.

JAMES: Morning team.

JAMES: There we are, Tim?

JANEY: Hiya.

TIM: Nice to see you.

DAVID: Good to see you.

Morning, partner.

Good morning sir, how are you?

JAMES: Very good, how are you?

Is he casting aspersions on our package?

Aspersions.

DAVID: Can't you show me what's underneath?

TIM: No.

TIM: We can't show you, no.

JAMES: Look at the weather.

We don't mind showing ours, Janey, do we?

Yeah, go on then.

Maybe we can place ours on theirs.

DAVID: Open the boot, James.

Go on.

Go on, knock yourselves out.

TIM: Ooh!

JANEY: Ooh!

Don't you think it's lovely?

JAMES: Has it got a good sound?

DAVID: Very good sound.

Go on, Janey, give it a whack.

That's lovely.

And so you'd be summoned to supper, would you?

Absolutely, yeah.

JAMES: Who...who's this poor fellow in there?

What do you mean, poor fellow?

Who is he, he's wonderful.

JANEY: Oh, he's lovely.

Look at him.

Look at the shape.

Let's have a look.

DAVID: Who did the... DAVID: The face, look at the design, Tim.

He's so friendly.

Oh, let's have a look at that.

TIM: You impressed with that, James?

Yeah.

It's a rather weird looking fellow, isn't he?

TIM: It is a bit.

Short legs, hasn't he?

TIM: Yes.

So do we tell them any more about this?

Yes, tell us what it is.

It's an Edwardian card table.

DAVID: Right.

Beautiful condition.

And King Edward VII himself played cards on that table at some point.

You're joking me!

Is it gonna be a factoid?

At some point it will be.

Anyway, we've got buying to do.

Yeah, we've got a lot.

We've got buying to do.

TIM: It's all yours, sir.

DAVID: Would you like me to drive?

JANEY: Yes, please.

DAVID: OK, come on.

JANEY: That'd be lovely.

TIM: Have fun, guys.

VO: So after that brief, sneak preview, what's the mood in the Healey?

You know Tim better than anybody.

What do you think?

I don't...I don't know if he was particularly impressed.

I think he's feeling a little bit smug about his card table, actually.

He obviously has had no experience trying to sell card tables.

Oh, really?

Why, are they notoriously difficult?

No, they are.

Now, what you need are things that nobody quite understands.

And we've got a few of them!

VO: They sound chipper.

Meanwhile over at Team Bin Bag... TIM: Well, that was very interesting, wasn't it, those two items?

I must say, after seeing their goodies, I think Tim, it's for us, the taking.

I think we better get to it cuz we've only got the one thing at the moment.

So we've got a lot of buying to do.

Serious buying.

Serious.

No G. No G!

Very good.

Very good.

(JAMES CHUCKLES) VO: Later, our celebrities and experts will be making a big show at Bourne End.

But our very next stop is in Great Malvern, the fabulous Victorian spa on the edge of the Malvern Hills.

So beautiful.

TIM: Oh he's going to let you go.

Very kind sir, very kind.

VO: Talk about lowering the tone.

TIM: Now, is that a bathtub or is that a trough?

Bathtub, I think.

Bathtub.

Or coffin.

TIM: Hello.

NIGEL: Morning.

I'm Tim, nice to meet you.

Hi Tim, Nigel.

Hi, Nigel.

JAMES: James.

NIGEL: Hi, James.

Now, you've...you've got a good stock, nice and busy in here.

You have got good stock.

Yeah, hopefully.

VO: Yes, busy is the word.

All that money isn't going to spend itself fellas.

TIM: Now, how good is that?

Vintage 1960s, 1970s.

It looks awful to me, though.

Yeah, but some people like that kind of stuff.

Really?

Yeah.

Have a... Let's have a look at this.

JAMES: Who's going to like that?!

There are people that like kitsch orange crockery from the 60s and 70s.

VO: The ticket price is £30.

Ovenware, made in the USA.

Does that explain a lot?

Well, I don't want to damn a nation but, y'know, who would produce something like that?

TIM: I think you're being quite hard on this.

Do you think I'm being hard on that?

Yeah, when could the Americans ever be accused of having bad taste?

(LAUGHS) VO: Well whatever it is, our man seems strangely drawn to it.

TIM: James, I like that.

Now, what are these?

Obviously they're figurines.

Yeah.

What are they - pottery, or...?

Pottery.

They're quite crude, aren't they?

There isn't a lot of definition.

Look at his hands and things.

They're Staffordshire, they're made in the 19th century.

It's known as the cobbler and his wife.

TIM: But they're quite sweet, aren't they?

JAMES: They're sweet.

And they would've been produced in pairs.

People would have had them in their cabinets.

They've got a hole in there, let the gases out in the kiln.

They're not as popular as they once were.

This is a new one on me here.

£22 each, or £40 for the pair.

Yes.

But presumably they're supposed to be together?

They are supposed to be together.

TIM: It would seem...it would seem cruel to separate them.

It would, I think, yes.

They've got age but... TIM: Nothing else.

OK, let's have a look round.

VO: I wonder whether Tim might be a bit of a knick knack man.

TIM: Now, look at this.

Have a look at this, James.

Yeah.

This is Edwardian red walnut.

It's an overmantel, circa 1905.

Now, we're into our Edwardian stuff at the moment, aren't we?

JAMES: Yeah.

VO: Apparently.

JAMES: So this is American red walnut.

It's sometimes rudely known as mirror and bracket furniture.

JAMES: Nicely beveled, isn't it?

Yeah, and in good condition as well.

We call it bright.

TIM: Bright.

JAMES: Bright condition.

TIM: OK. JAMES: Bright condition.

You do like the look of this, though, as well?

I love the wood.

You know, this color... What is...what is this?

JAMES: Has a sort of slightly churchy, gothicky feel about it.

TIM: It is.

What is it, a kind of notice board?

JAMES: Notice board.

God, have I made the cricket team?

Y'know, something like that, wouldn't it?

So we've got a baize backing, we've got a door there.

But this is older.

So this is more Victorian.

VO: I think they now need Nigel.

TIM: Well, we're very interested in this, in this Edwardian overmantel.

Um...

Very reasonably priced, I think you'll find.

You see, I... You say that.

NIGEL: The best I can do on that is 95.

What could you do on that?

NIGEL: I can help you out on that one.

95.

95 again?!

Yeah, it's... Why 95?

It's just...

I like 95.

(JAMES LAUGHS) But 95 is definitely the best you can do on that?

There's def...

I can chip another tenner on that, 85, but that'd be it.

TIM: For this?

NIGEL: Yeah.

But you can't do any more on that?

NIGEL: No.

What could you do for that and my favorite kitsch 1960s, 1970s American orange crockery?

Now you're tempted because you'd like... ..you would like that taken off your hands, Nigel, wouldn't you?

I would, yeah.

So think very carefully then.

NIGEL: 25.

120.

110 for both.

TIM: You're really not keen about me having that, are you?

TIM: In the right auction room, that will fly.

I'm always willing to learn.

VO: They might grow on you, James.

So what was your best, for both of those?

NIGEL: 120.

110?

NIGEL: Yeah.

TIM: Alright.

Blimey, what are we getting involved in, Tim?

VO: Good clean fun!

JAMES: Well done, Nigel.

NIGEL: Thank you very much.

TIM: Thank you.

VO: Although I do wonder whether strapping that onto the MGA might be beyond them?

VO: What about the other, less burdened sportster?

Now Janey, I think you deserve a bit of a break.

Thank you.

And I wanna take you back to your roots.

Mm-hm.

Live performing, singing.

Basically showing off, Janey.

You know, I always say, I did a degree... Yeah.

..in performance arts.

Yeah.

Really, it was just three years of showing off.

VO: Those two are off to tread the boards, in the county town of Worcestershire.

VO: At the Swan Theatre.

JANEY: Oh, look at this.

Fantastic!

DAVID: Yeah, I know.

VO: Where they're about to hear the story of Vesta Tilley, the Worcester woman who became a music hall superstar, from creative director Chris Jaeger.

Do we have to be quiet?

OK. Nice to meet you.

What are we looking at?

We're looking at Claire Worboys playing Vesta Tilley, doing a First World War song.

DAVID: OK. # Find a military man who's really worthy of the name, # who's never behind hand, when duties to be done, # he's the fella that you can trust to try to win the game # whatever the prize waiting to be won.

# By jingo, don't the girls know that as well as I do?

# Isn't the fact made plain... # VO: Claire is the star of a one woman show, written by Chris, which celebrates the life of Vesta, who became Britain's most successful female performer, whilst always dressing as a man.

# Jolly good luck to the girl who loves a soldier.

# Real good boys are we.

# Girls, if you'd like to love a soldier, # you can all love me.

# Bravo.

Brilliant.

So Chris, tell us all about Vesta Tilley?

Vesta Tilley was probably the greatest music hall star that this country's ever produced.

Now almost forgotten sadly.

She defined the idea of cross-dressing in pantomime.

From about the age of 11 onwards she never dressed as a woman on stage, ever.

And she had a huge lesbian following and she was a lesbian icon, even though she wasn't gay herself.

For the Royal Variety performance in 1912, ..the Queen didn't like her being in a figure hugging costume because she always looked like men.

And she was shocked, and she put her program over her eyes during the song.

And because of the protocol, the entire royal box had to follow suit.

VO: Such controversy was rare in Vesta Tilley's career, however.

Because her act - which was mostly about poking fun at the conceits of men - was adored by music hall audiences.

CHRIS: She was incredibly well-paid.

In 1910 she was being paid up to £2,000 a week for cabaret work.

Think about that in modern terms.

She was in fact the highest paid woman in Britain for 30 years.

During the war, her husband was appointed to help recruit.

And Vesta used to recruit soldiers on the stage at the end of the performance.

And they would bring a recruiting sergeant up and she would encourage people to come onto the stage.

OLD RECORD: # I joined the army yesterday # They would get a kiss from her and they would get the Queen's shilling from the sergeant.

And on one night at what is now the Hackney Empire, they signed 300 people up and it became the Vesta Tilley platoon.

VO: Up on stage they can get even closer to Vesta, with a few authentic items of costume.

We have a couple of Vesta's waistcoats, and her tailcoat.

She was tiny, wasn't she?

CLAIRE: Absolutely tiny, yes.

JANEY: Tiny!

CLAIRE: And her hair brushes and her mirror we have as well.

And do you...do you use these, Claire?

I don't.

I don't use these.

These are much more delicate.

Are they too priceless?

CLAIRE: Yes.

VO: It seems that one of Britain's greatest performers is finally being properly celebrated.

Now, these aren't museum pieces?

We can use them, can't we?

No, you're fine.

Yes.

That's quite cool.

Janey, how about that?

Wow.

Three, two, one.

Take it away.

BOTH: # Jolly good luck to the girls that loves a soldier.

# Girls, have you been there?

# You know we military men always do our duty everywhere.

# VO: Bravo!

VO: Simultaneously, deep in the Malvern Hills, our other pair are en route to their last retail outlet.

Anything left on the wish list, Tim?

I do want to get something with a sporting element to it.

TIM: I love horse racing.

Might find some...y'know, some old stirrups or something.

We might.

And as we know, the world of sport has been expanded for us, so...

Yes.

..a pair of heavy boots might suffice, mightn't they?

VO: Tactful, James.

Best change the subject fast.

VO: And find the lane that leads to Eastnor.

Because Janey and David will soon be hot on your heels.

TIM: I think we've done it.

I think we've beaten them.

JAMES: I think we've done it.

What is it, put the foot to the metal, isn't it?

JAMES: Or something.

TIM: Yeah.

VO: Close enough, James.

After you.

VO: Hand in the pocket might be more appropriate because Tim and James still have over £250 left.

JAMES: That's a beast, isn't it?

What's that?

TIM: That is a beast.

JAMES: HMS Ardent.

TIM: First World War.

What were they called, dreadnoughts or something?

They were called dreadnoughts, yeah.

The Germans were building dreadnoughts just prior to WW1, and so we thought, we'd better build some dreadnoughts.

Yeah.

So it kind of that arms proliferation at that time, Yeah.

..which led up to the First World War.

But you have a naval background.

I have a naval background.

TIM: Of sorts.

JAMES: Of sorts.

TIM: So what can you tell me about that?

JAMES: It's big.

I can tell you it's big.

But it hasn't got an enormous amount of guns.

It's got one... What, one in the...the stern.

Nearly... Yeah.

Not the bow.

Nearly forgot that one.

VO: Best stick to antiques, matey.

JAMES: Is it signed?

No.

TIM: Why wouldn't it be signed?

Maybe he churned out lots.

It's...it's not very difficult, is it?

No.

It's a big old wash, couple of spots.

Bit of rigging.

TIM: You make it sound far too easy.

Is that a pass, do you think?

I think so, yeah.

VO: Ah, they now have company.

Plenty of barns to go round, though.

And £227 in hand.

Y'know, I've always wanted a church pew.

Why?

Well, I wish I had a house big enough.

But if I did, I'd put it in the hallway.

JANEY: And I think they're really cool.

But I've gotta tell you, that... JANEY: That...that is gorgeous.

Would you please just sit in it?

I know, I would.

I'd be delighted to.

Feel that.

Now, that's a couch, isn't it?

That is a couch.

Firm yet squishy.

Hello!

It's perfect.

Sorry, I thought you were talking about me.

JANEY: And even when they get kind of a little bit... DAVID: Yeah.

JANEY: ..old, they still look good.

It's expensive.

2,400 quid.

It's worth every penny.

This is designed to last forever.

VO: Don't seem to be in much of a rush, do they?

Let's hear from their rivals.

TIM: Oh, right, this is a washstand.

TIM: Quite good nick.

JAMES: Yeah.

I mean, what is this, Victorian?

Or is it...or is it... Well, take...take the bowl off.

JAMES: Does it have any markings?

No markings but a chip.

That's not a good start, is it?

(LAUGHS) JAMES: How heavy is it?

Come on.

TIM: Eh, it's...

The weight test.

Fairly weighty.

That's fairly weighty.

Is it weighty enough for you, though, James?

It doesn't look terribly old, does it?

No, it doesn't.

So it's nothing...

But it's...it's quite sound.

Still rings.

JAMES: So that would've been just to hang your...your... TIM: Towel.

JAMES: Towel.

TIM: Or flannel, yep.

But I always liked three legs.

Always sure on uneven ground.

OK.

Whereas if you get four, you're permanently putting a...a mat or something underneath something.

Do you think this is very old or just made to look old?

Eh...I think it's probably old, the stand.

This has been probably matched up, although it seems to fit very well, doesn't it?

Seems to fit extremely well, yeah.

JAMES: And maybe it is the original one.

VO: Possible.

Anything lurking in the cabinets?

TIM: That pipe looks interesting.

That is bizarre.

That's a tobacco holder, yeah?

Tobacco holder.

I've never seen one modeled as a pipe before.

Now, that's novelty.

Novelty is a great seller.

What people prize now is unusual things.

JAMES: I think it's made by Royal Doulton.

JAMES: It is.

There's your silver mark, isn't it?

That's our silver mark.

TIM: So does that tell us anything about the age?

Yeah.

Lion passant denotes its silver content.

Leopard's head is London.

And then we've got a zero.

So all we need to do is look up zero.

TIM: Look at the artwork on it as well.

JAMES: I know.

Two...two of those.

TIM: What are they, 17th century, 18th century?

JAMES: Historical, yeah.

TIM: Early 18th century guys?

It is...1909.

1909.

JAMES: 1909.

So Edwardian.

Ed... Spooky!

Everything's Edwardian.

Apart from my orange crockery.

VO: Quite.

Designed by Doulton doyenne Charles Noke as well.

Proprietor Lee will be well aware of that.

What could that be?

And I preface it with the word cheap.

The price I've got on that is £295.

VO: Oh!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

That shut us up, didn't it?

VO: Certainly did.

But it is...it is a rare thing.

TIM: What's the lowest you're likely to accept?

Well, I tell you what.

We're also quite interested in the washstand.

TIM: Yeah, we are interested in the washstand.

I've got 48 on that.

Um, I'd be looking for about 40.

TIM: Would you accept 30 on that?

LEE: Eh, I'd accept... JAMES: Well, no.

Let...let... Shall we do the deal as a whole?

TIM: Do the deal as a whole?

To be candid with you, we've got 260 quid.

We've got 260.

That's...that's...that's all we have left.

Well, there's no going up, is there?

There ain't, I'm afraid.

So...

Yes, I will.

I'd be happy with 260.

Shake the man's hand.

Lee, thank you very much.

LEE: No worries.

VO: So, 230 for the tobacco jar and 30 for the washstand.

TIM: Thank you so much.

VO: Time for the Janey and David to step up.

JANEY: I love signs.

DAVID: Do you?

JANEY: Yeah.

Really really funky.

DAVID: Why do you love signs?

Um... Well, obviously if I lived on that street, I'd be even happier.

But, um, I just think there's something great about them.

Really obvious great lettering and, is that really seriously old then?

DAVID: Cast iron.

JANEY: Yeah.

Look at the decoration, that very ornate decoration, and the sea scroll, the shell on the outside edge screaming 19th century, probably the middle of the 19th century.

JANEY: Where do you think then?

And how do you know?

Think of cast iron.

Think of the midlands.

Midlands, mm.

Absolutely.

DAVID: It sort of reminds me of Sherlock Holmes books.

JANEY: Yeah.

And you know, lots of money was spent on everyday items... Yeah.

..like that, that you don't get today.

DAVID: That is gorgeous.

JANEY: Have you checked the price?

DAVID: Price, 195.

JANEY: Quite expensive.

Where do you find another one?

Yeah.

OK, leave it there for now.

OK. VO: Eh, what was that about finding another one David?

JANEY: You'll never guess what.

DAVID: Oh my gosh.

It's got a friend.

VO: Every street had one.

It's got a friend, which is a bit of a worry, isn't it?

DAVID: Does that mean they're reproduction?

JANEY: Oh, don't say that.

Chances of finding two in one location is pretty unusual.

JANEY: Cute, isn't it?

It's cute.

It's smaller that one, I like it.

No, but...but... Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

..was it made last Tuesday?

JANEY: Probably.

I don't know, you tell me.

DAVID: Go with your instinct.

JANEY: Well it looks old to me.

It is old.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

It's just...

It is old, I promise you.

But it's just unusual there's two of them.

They obviously belong together.

VO: But can they afford to keep them together?

Gird your loins, Lee.

JANEY: So we like this, LEE: Yes.

..and we like the Bristol Street down there.

They were bought together.

Um, bought from the same chap and they are Birmingham street names.

JANEY: Ohh!

DAVID: Ah, Birmingham.

OK. DAVID: Do the streets still exist, do you know?

LEE: Yes, yes.

DAVID: They do?

JANEY: Wow.

LEE: Absolutely.

What sort of money could you do for the pair?

OK. Well, on the larger one, we've got 195.

We have a certain amount of money in our pocket and that's everything we've got.

Sure.

VO: Does that sound familiar at all?

Do you want to tell Lee how much money we've got?

I'm worried.

We've got 227 quid.

OK. Did you see his face there?

That's interesting.

He doesn't look overly happy.

How much is this one?

Eh, that one's 145.

Oh no.

Will 227 buy the pair?

And we literally haven't got another pound.

Eh, well...yes.

I mean, that's, eh...

There's no negotiation, is there?

DAVID: Was that a yes?

LEE: I'm happy, I'm not losing money so, yeah, it's a deal.

Shake his hand, Janey.

JANEY: Excellent.

LEE: Thank you very much.

JANEY: Thank you.

LEE: My pleasure.

VO: Yes, he's a very nice man.

Are you gonna carry them?

How heavy are they?

Wow!

I'll carry them, there you go.

That is unbelievable, I didn't realize... Ohh!

VO: Come on David, put your back into it.

JANEY: Bye.

VO: So with all their money spent, there's only one place left to go.

TIM: Let's go.

JAMES: See you two at the auction.

TIM: See you at the auction, guys.

VO: Sweet dreams, guys.

VO: Auction day dawns.

But will the sun shine on a couple of celebrities making their saleroom debut?

So, how exciting!

This is the climax to everything.

I know!

And I've always wanted to go.

Me too.

I mean, I've seen it on TV so many times and movies, and one of my friends even bought a house at an auction.

Wow.

And this is my first auction.

This is quite cool, in a way.

VO: After setting out in Worcestershire at Evesham, VO: ..and clambering over the Cotswolds and the Malverns, Janey and Tim are finishing up beside the Thames in Bucks at Bourne End Auction Rooms, with internet bidding!

Here they are.

DAVID: Morning!

You look great!

Hello.

Morning, sir.

How are you?

Nice to see you.

Very well.

And you look marvelous as well, Tim.

VO: Tim and James spent the lot, all £400 on their five auction lots.

Well done.

I don't like it as an object, the pipe.

But I think it's very good.

JANEY: All comes down to how much they paid for it then.

DAVID: Online bidding, you see.

Doulton collectors all over the world might be on that, Janey.

So that for us is the scary one.

Right, OK.

So be scared.

I'm very scared.

VO: Janey and David also bravely blew every penny of their 400, on five lots.

Now, these are their winners, I think.

TIM: Why are they winners?

JAMES: They've got lovely age.

I think they could be early 19th century.

JAMES: But great names.

Big winners?

Oh, I think regrettably for us, they may be.

VO: Everyone seems twitchy about the opposition.

Does auctioneer Hugo Lemon love the show?

All done at 55.

The African figure, some do very very well.

And if you can get it from an unusual tribe.

This I don't think has that.

The washstand's good for an interior design piece.

The street signs, a little bit different.

They are a good size, they're good to go in a modern home.

It could be a good seller.

Tobacco jar is probably the best item that's here today.

And we should be getting in the region, I'd think, of £200-300.

VO: Sounds like it could be close.

Strap yourselves in.

We are so lucky that we get to interview some of the most famous people in the world every day.

This is almost as exciting.

VO: Almost?

VO: First we have Janey's Bonzo trivet.

Best in show or sold a pup?

I was trying to explain to Tim the importance of Bonzo.

Did he, did he get it?

No.

Very popular in the 1920s.

Em, is it popular today, at £10?

10 anyone?

At 10 I'm bid, thank you, and 12?

Come on.

And 15, and 15.

And 17, anyone?

Come on, Janey, encourage them.

AUCTIONEER: 17 I'll take.

At £15 on commission, I'm gonna sell at £15.

17 anywhere?

No, don't sell it.

Sell it!

Sell it.

All done then at 15.

Oh, Janey!

Did you choose Bonzo?

I'm sorry, Janey.

JANEY: I think you did.

DAVID: Oh, did I?

VO: Yes, definitely one of David's.

That was my very first experience...

I want you to... ..of selling at auction.

How was it?

Not good.

VO: Tim's turn.

Will it wash its face?

I think it's OK, I do.

OK.

It's a tricky one.

He's being mealy-mouthed.

Here we go.

Who'll start me off at £20 for it?

20.

I hope he's got something.

25, 27, and 30.

32.

DAVID: No!

AUCTIONEER: 35.

They're making profit, Janey, they're making profit.

I know.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

AUCTIONEER: At 32 in the room then, all out in the room at £32.

Last chance at 32, all done at 32?

TIM: A big profit.

JAMES: It's beautiful.

VO: Well, Tim's in front.

By default.

It's fine.

Yeah.

Hey, at least... Got away with it.

..at least we didn't lose.

At least we didn't lose.

VO: Time for Janey's outsider candlesticks.

Spiky.

Spiky.

We like a bit of spiky.

Who'll start me off at, eh, £30 for them?

At £30 I'm bid, thank you.

And two now.

They are so lovely.

Come on.

They need to go a long way.

35 now, 35, 37.

Come on.

Oh, come on.

Come on!

Come on.

Janey!

At £35 online, 37 anywhere?

At 35, 37.

Thank you, sir, 37.

Oh, I'm pleased.

37, you're away.

AUCTIONEER: 42?

DAVID: Go on!

Go on, 42.

At £40.

Janey!

40, 40.

No one?

At 40, I'm gonna sell at 40 then.

I'm trying to help.

My little heart is in my mouth.

DAVID: Aw, shame.

Don't worry, Janey, it's not over yet.

Don't look at me like that!

Do you ever get that look?

Couldn't possibly say.

VO: She followed her heart on those.

Someone's got an amazing bargain.

Amazing bargain there.

I know.

Oh, I wish it was me, they're beautiful.

VO: Presenting Tim's amour fou.

Tangerine dream?

Or nightmare?

Oh dear.

Literally looks like satsumas, doesn't it?

Brighten up any kitchen.

Start me off, what, at £10 for it?

10 anywhere?

10 I'm bid, thank you.

And 12 I'll take, and 12.

And 15 now on commission, and 17, and 17.

At £15 on commission, 17 I'll take.

At £15 on commission.

Come on... £15.

Last chance, brighten up any kitchen.

JAMES: I can't believe that.

DAVID: I can believe it.

At 15 then.

17, just in the nick of time.

Ohh!

At 17, and 20 I'll take.

Unbelievable.

Selling at 17.

Last chance at 17.

(GAVEL) Stick to radio, Tim.

VO: That was uncalled for, David!

I think you've established some sort of record price for that lot.

Do you think so?

You're amazed it made that much, aren't you?

VO: Back to Janey.

Her African carving.

When I first chose that, I really did not think you would like it.

Oh, I love it, I think it's... You love it?

Oh, he's wonderful.

Do you think people are gonna...

Yes!

Yes.

Honestly, what are they like?

What are they laughing at?

What are they actually like?

I've got commission bids on this, who'll start me off at £20 for it?

How much?

AUCTIONEER: 20, and 20 I'm bid.

Go on!

22, 25, 27.

£25 I'm bid, 27.

And 30, and 30, 32.

At £30 then, two I'll take.

Ohh!

At £30 I'm bid, and two anywhere?

At 32 at the back of the room now.

32.

Selling now at 32.

No, no shame, Janey.

All done at 32.

(GAVEL) JANEY: Ooh!

AUCTIONEER: Thank you.

TIM: Not bad, guys.

Not bad.

DAVID: £4 on paper.

VO: No, she should be feeling quite chuffed.

That's your first profit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know!

VO: Edwardiana time.

Tim's overmantel goes under the hammer.

Well, it's a mirror, people like mirrors.

That's true.

They do like mirrors.

People like mirrors.

They do.

It's amazing.

Why didn't you tell me that earlier?

I'd have bought lots of mirrors.

Who'll start me off at £30 for it?

30, 30 I'm bid, thank you.

32, 32.

35, 37, and 40.

42, 45, 47.

At £45 I'm bid, 47, 47, and 50.

Come on, come on.

AUCTIONEER: At £47 then.

Oh no.

No, come on.

At £47 then, and 50 I'll take.

At £47 then.

I was right, it's 50.

Yeah, well done to you.

47, I'm gonna sell at £47.

(GAVEL) Ouch.

Ouch.

Oh dear.

Ouchio.

That's quite the... VO: I think it's all got a bit closer thanks to that.

You're feeling happier now, aren't you?

A little bit happier.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes.

We feel great.

Look!

Look at the look on their face!

You've got the gong yet, remember, guys.

Yeah, exactly.

That's our big hope, the gong.

VO: Well it may add some tone.

You know, gong baths and everything can be, y'know, you emit these rays that bathe you.

Yes.

This is the shower equivalent, isn't it?

Very nice gong.

Thank you.

Start me off at £20 for it.

20 anyone, £20 I'm bid.

22, 25, 27, and 30.

And 30, 32 now on commission.

Well done.

Come on, baby.

35, 37, and 40.

And 40, 42, 42.

Well done.

Not bad.

45, at 42, 45 now on commission.

47, I'll take on Easy Live.

Go on, Easy Live.

Bit more.

And 50 now, and five on Easy Live, at 55 now.

Yes!

Well done.

Come on!

After all they said.

There you go.

You, you my man, can eat your hat.

Eat that gong.

70, and five, at 70.

At £70 in the room, and five, and five, and 80.

At £75.

DAVID: Go on!

JANEY: Now that is excellent.

Janey!

Eh?

All done at 75.

(GAVEL) What do you think of the gong now, Tim?

VO: Gong up in his estimation?

In spite of...of doubters all around you, I know.

..you pressed on.

VO: Tim's card table looks so much nicer out of the black bin bag.

The great survivor of our travels, isn't it?

Yeah.

I like the card table very much.

VO: Yes, you did mention it Tim.

£30 for it.

30 I'm bid, thank you.

Oh well, there you go.

Good.

There you go.

At £30 then, At 32, 32, 25.

Come on.

Come on.

That was close.

It was close.

Come on, good.

AUCTIONEER: At £40 in the room, and two I'll take.

At £40 then.

All out online.

At £40, all done at 40.

Selling at 40, all done at 40.

(GAVEL) Well done.

Well done.

VO: Just as well Tim got it for a good price, eh?

You must have probably spent a small fortune in bubble wrap, actually.

Yeah, true.

And time...time and energy strapping it to the back of the MGA.

Tim, my time is free.

VO: Now for the big ticket items.

Janey's last lot and by far her biggest spend.

Were you all in?

Was that all your money?

That was it.

That's it all in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We spent all of ours as well, didn't we?

We did.

That's good.

Wisely, Tim.

On the whole.

Very rustic with the paint flaking off, and nice interior.

Did he say rustic or rusty?

Haha, both.

Em, let's start me off at, what, £100 for them.

Come on.

100 I'm bid, thank you, 110 I'll take.

Come on.

AUCTIONEER: £100 I'm bid, 110 anywhere.

Come on.

AUCTIONEER: At £100 I'm bid, 110 anywhere.

At £100 then.

DAVID: No!

JANEY: No.

110, just in the nick of time.

110, 120, 130, 140, 150, 160.

At £150 in the room, 160 I'll take.

At £150 then.

Ooh.

No.

Shame.

Last chance at 150.

Are we all done?

(GAVEL) Oh!

Stop gloating.

I'm not gloating.

I'm not, I'm not gloating either.

You are!

TIM: No, we're... DAVID: Inside.

We're not gloating.

We're not gloating.

VO: Well, I believe them.

Hard to resist though.

It's stressful.

I know it is!

VO: Now, this is not a pipe.

But it is a gamble.

You worried, Tim?

Is there a bead of sweat there?

My heart's going.

OK.

I may need to borrow that kerchief.

Nice piece there, unusual there.

200 for it.

£200 to start.

150 to start then, 150 I'm bid, thank you.

160 I'll take.

Oh, you're gonna be OK. 160.

I think we've lost.

160 on the phone, 170 I'll take.

Phone, do with a phone bid.

180, 190, 200.

200.

At £200 on the phone.

No, no.

No!

No!

You're still gonna...

Selling then at 200.

It's... Well, well done.

I can't believe that!

VO: Well, that was a close run thing.

I think Tim's just sneaked home though.

So Tim has volunteered himself for the 2019 shin kicking.

Absolutely.

In the Cotswold Olimpicks.

In the Cotswold Olimpicks.

I'm going into training for those very games as soon as we've done the maths.

VO: Coming right up.

VO: Janey and David began with £400 and made a bit of a loss after auction costs, Leaving them with £255.84.

VO: While Tim and James, who started out with the same sum, lost less.

So, they're victorious with £275.52.

VO: Cue James!

David and Janey are today's losers.

DAVID: Losers!

JAMES: Tim... Oh no, that's bad.

..we take the victory.

Aw, never mind.

Janey!

It's been...

I knew you'd win!

I knew you'd win.

You've done really well.

I'm a very good loser.

JAMES: Tim, you and I are very good winners, aren't we?

JANEY: I wish you well.

TIM: We are very good winners.

VO: Just in time for the non-stop oldies.

JAMES: Janey... DAVID: Thanks guys.

JAMES: Bye!

JAMES: Bye.

VO: Toodlepip!

Well, I have to say, that was really good fun.

It's 20 quid.

What's 20 quid between friends?

Well... That means you've won.

But apart from that.

I didn't like to say that, but technically, yes, you're right.

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